I got a rejection today, so my best friend Edith (not her real name), who is an Egyptologist (not her real profession), made the requisite offer to beat the shit out of my rejector. I thanked her for the thought but declined because I’m not a psycho and it would require a lot of effort on her part. Still trying to make me feel better, Edith asked if I wanted to hear facts about cheetahs instead. Wary, I asked her if this was at all similar to Cat Facts. The dear woman was completely earnest in her confusion — she had no idea what Cat Facts is. I hope I’m not alone in remembering this, but here’s a refresher:
Anyway, my therapist has been nudging me into practicing resiliency, which is harder to do than my memory foam pillow would have you believe, so I accepted Edith’s second offer of the evening. And it worked because cheetahs are fucking bananas. If you don’t believe me, below is what I learned from Edith. To be safe, I did some fact-checking to make sure she wasn’t trolling me (references below).
- Cheetahs are more similar to house cats than big cats. For example, they can’t roar, but they can meow. Edith’s proof:
2. “They are also one step above scavengers because their only skill is RUN FAST. Otherwise they get owned by everything.”
I have no jokes here. She did them for me.
3. Cheetahs are so fast because their spines act like coiled springs. Basically, when they extend their legs, their spine recoils and then sproing, they’ve left your boring party.
4. They have to catch their breath for half an hour after they catch their prey because they’re so damn tired. This is usually when other dickhead animals try to steal their food. Same. Takes me a solid forty-five minutes to stop being lazy and put the groceries away after I get home.
Edith promptly ran out of cheetah facts, but she did leave me with one last horrifying piece of animal information:
Vanilla flavoring comes from beaver butt sludge.
You’re welcome. Maybe you forgot what you were supposed to be sad about too.
References (let’s see if I still remember how to do this)
Cheetah Conservation Fund Canada, “Spring into Action ,” May 31, 2018
DK Find Out! “ Inside a Cheetah, ” current edition
National Geographic, “Beaver Butts Emit Goo Used for Vanilla Flavoring,” October 1, 2013
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